Artist Statement

My work started from a feeling/or emotion that I couldn't explain. The closest word I could find to explain it today was nostalgia however I don’t think that word covers exactly what I am trying to explain but I do think it is the closest. I remember the first time I felt this emotion. I was in elementary school and my childhood friend came to hang out at my house. I don't remember what we did that day but I know we had a lot of fun whatever we did. The only thing I do remember is when her mom came to pick her up. I remember her heading out my front door, getting in her car, and leaving. I remember standing there and looking at where her mom’s car was and just felt stuck. I just had a pretty amazing day in kid standards yet I felt this was the first time I actually felt the ending of that great day. I felt that something had just closed and had finished, completed, and was gone. I remember sitting on my stairs and just processing what I was feeling. I was so confused- I know I had a great day so why was I so saddened and felt like something was taken away from me? It almost felt like grief but I had not felt that emotion yet at that point in my life, so I really did not know what to think of it. 

This feeling- I had probably felt many times after that however the next notable one for me was my first summer back home from college. Like many others, I had just spent almost a year making new memories, exploring a new place, meeting new people- and I couldn’t wait to tell all of that to my childhood friends. In high school, I was in many sports and groups and I felt I had many people in my life at the time. I couldn’t wait to see them all again like how we were a year ago. Except I didn’t see them all during that summer and the ones I did see I saw only for a couple of times. I didn’t know that meeting up with old friends was much harder once you graduated. Of course I was told this but I didn’t think it would actually happen. Every Christmas break and summer after that got harder and harder to see the people who used to be constants in my life- not actually being able to be seen. Some people don’t come back for the summer, some get married and are too busy renovating a house, others get a job and your schedules don't ever align for a free day. This is where that feeling hits the most. 

To this day, I am often uncomfortable looking through old photos and avoid it because I am reminded of this feeling- warmth from these great memories, and a deep sadness that they are over. When I am reminded of what I have lost while never actually losing it. Every time, I go back home I am reminded that my past self and their role in my town and home is gone and completed. I carry around these past selves and memories with me as do you. The people you knew then carry that version of you as well and you for them, but those versions of ourselves are not visible today. They live inside of us and we are able to look back on these memories however we will never get to experience them as we did the first time. This doesn’t mean I look at all of this negatively. I would be very disappointed if I was the same person I was as a teen- never having grown into an adult and exploring what other things are out there- outside of my small hometown. But I still mourn for everything that I can never get back but couldn’t hold anyway. However, as the quote goes “the deeper the love the deeper the loss”.

For the centerpiece, I picked the title nostalgia because that is the closest name I could give to this emotion. Grief and loss were too much while happy and sad were not enough. This is the representation of this feeling while the memories that evoke this emotion surround it. This piece represents my overall idea of having your memories and past selves with you always, but never actually being able to be seen and always behind you as you continue to grow and evolve as the person you're meant to be.